I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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