when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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