I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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