Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
