Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
