the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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