If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
