Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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