she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
