he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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