Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I have post one night stand depression
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
