did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
