Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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