I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
