Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
