I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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