Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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