i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
