stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
