Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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