Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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