dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
