So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
