Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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