I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
