I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
