Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
