My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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