oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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