I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
