dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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