woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
