I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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