Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
