remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
