That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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