I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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