Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
