Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.