took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
