my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
