dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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