I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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