So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
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He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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