why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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