i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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