The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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