I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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