I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
