How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
