I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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