i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
