Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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