I haven't been this sober since birth.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
