I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
