im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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