he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
